I ended it with New Girl today. It was definitely for the
best.
I haven’t thought of anything else for the last two days.
How much I don’t want to hurt her, but how much this really isn’t working for
me. All the things she’s been through and not wanting to make that worse, take
those into consideration, but her stuff really doesn’t change the fact that I’m
just not into this relationship.
I’ve been on edge with her since she blew up with me over
not being able to take a train that wasn’t running out to see her. Even before
then, all the need for nightly conversations on the phone (which is a huge
point of anxiety for me), asking me about plans to move closer before she
technically met me… I have never felt like I was being my real self when I’ve
talked to her, or been with her. I always feel like I’m trying to be who she
needs me to be.
Which is completely the opposite with Tech Boy who doesn’t
need me to be anyone. He’s happy to just let me be me. Whoever that happens to
be, without crowding me or climbing into my skin.
She had a rehab relapse after our first date. Was in the ER
for detox. She’s been planning all these elaborate things, wanting to take me
on vacation, all these things… and we’ve seen each other twice. It’s so
suffocating.
And infuriating. She’s the worst listener ever. She’s
definitely a touch A.D.D. Every time she asks me about something, before I can
finish explaining or tell her my story, she cuts me of, steps on my words,
takes over the story, and never lets me finish. I honesty can not recall a
single conversation where I’ve been able to finish something I started out
saying. Do you know how aggravating that is?
What’s even more aggravating is that in the moment, I feel
the need to let her feel like it’s okay that she does all of these things. Even
though it’s really not.
She feels this need to tell me she’s sooooo aggressive…
except what she thinks is aggressive just comes off as supremely insecure.
She’s trying to fit an entire relationship, an entire life
together into two dates… to force everything to happen RIGHT THE HELL NOW…
I’ve told her over and over again that I’m going to need my
space, that I need to take things slow, that I don’t open up that quickly… and
she repeats it to me like she’s listening, but then presses on with the next
major life milestone that she wants to accomplish with me. She hears but doesn’t
listen. At all. I can feel her heart swelling and breaking every time I don’t
respond to her texts in exactly 0.2 seconds after she leaves me a message.
It’s SO MUCH PRESSURE! I just can’t. I can’t. I feel like
the biggest asshole because it’s so bleeding obvious how into me she is, but we
are on completely opposite emotional planes. And she has zero emotional
stability. Which is something I absolutely need in my life. I’m still working
on getting myself together and I need to make healthy choices when it comes to
the people I let in.
If I let her in, I would be ignoring what I need to only
give her what I’m sure she needs. I need someone that can at least meet me
halfway .
And then there’s Tech Boy. While every time New Girl has
texted me it’s created a terrific sense of annoyance in me. Chatting with him
has been sweet and kind of makes me smile.
Unless I’m drinking though, I’m not quite able to relax or
relate to him. I can’t be drunk for the rest of my life though, so I really
need to figure out what he means to me sober.
We went out last Saturday. He wanted to take me to a new
bar down the road from his new place. It sounded like it should be an awesome
place… it turned out to be the biggest dud I’d seen in years. Awful bar,
completely empty, no music, and a side door that let the inside remain freezing
yet smokey all at one awful time. So we went to the next place down the road.
Almost, but not quite, as bad. Super bright, with *the worst* amateur singing
performer I’ve ever heard. Whoever told her this was a good idea, is not a
friend. So we went to a place closer to me. Didn’t even sit down or get a drink.
They wanted to charge a huge cover for some no name band that we didn’t want to
hear. Went to an old standby after that. Paid the $5 cover only to find out the
restaurant portion was closed and it was shoulder to shoulder packed and too
loud to hear ourselves think. After being in there for approximately 15 seconds
I became overwhelmingly claustrophobic.
I promptly returned to the bouncer and asked for our money
back. 6 foot 5 inches of really not happy with me but unable to intimidate me
in any way, he gave us our money back. We went across the street to another
good bar, where we were finally able to get drinks AND a table with food
service. I think I ended up having 4-5 drinks that night. Most of my last one
got knocked all over my skirt by the clumsy fuck sitting next to us though.
Fortunately it was white wine and I was wearing a black skirt. Drenched.
Finally we went back to his place where I promptly snuggled up to him and fell
asleep in his lap after getting out of my wine scented clothes.
We ended up having a really good night throughout our comedy of bar
errors. I definitely needed a drink or
two in me though before I felt it.
Yet, I see him at work, we text at night, and it’s nice.
Then again, he told me he wouldn’t be here this week and I
got insta-pissed, what flashed through my brain was – Great so it’s just going
to be this all over again. I’m just not going to text him anymore because this
isn’t going anywhere. I didn’t say or express any of that to him. And of course
we were chatting just fine by the next day.
I’m not sure if I need him to be there or if I’m grateful
that he doesn’t need to be up my butt in light of how New Girl was.
I just want something reasonably in the middle! I realize I
often have this all or nothing thinking, but can I get a little grey area here?
Ugh.
