Changing Plans

Dear Diary,

I’m so sad right now. I’ve started crying half a dozen times since I left work. Roommate moved out last weekend. I have to go back to see my home state next weekend. I might not get to see Tech Boy this weekend. As soon as he told me he had all these plans this weekend my heart started hurting. 3 weekends in a row without him? That sucks so much. It makes me want to run away and put an end to the whole thing.

I know, it’s retarded. But he’s having all his friends up and wanted me to go over to go swimming and and stuff? Swimming? With this body? Fuck no. So no seeing him tonight? Then he was going to take his boys out tomorrow? One of them being the guy that basically told me the only reason I got my engineering job was because I had breasts. Of course I was invited to that too, but why the fuck would I want to hang out with that asshat? No thanks. As soon as he told me that I just responded with , “ok.”  Trying not to make any fuss or anything. But I started crying to myself. This was all via text so he couldn’t see. I really want to spend Saturday with Roommate and her boyfriend b/c they invited me out and I don’t want to lose my connection to her. About two minutes later he texted me back with “don’t count me out, maybe I can rearrange the schedule.” 

Then he totally worked it all out, noticed that I was bothered by the potential of not seeing him, and stuff. I’m still unhappy and upset, but he’s kind of wonderful at the same time. It’s such a stupid little thing and I just, felt so upset like this would never work out because he can’t make time for me and doesn’t bother to check with me to see if we can make our plans match up, and I have all these thoughts about how it’s just never going to work if he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I feel like he’s not really here… but he realizes that I’m upset and works it out for me.

We curled up on his couch yesterday just watching a movie. I love being with him. He’s so warm and solid. I was ridiculously disappointed that he wanted to take a nap when he got home from his vacation because all I could think about was seeing him right after work, pushing him down on the couch and having sex with him. Which we totally did, but I had to wait, and I was sad that he didn’t want to see me right away since he hadn’t seen me in almost a week. I was so disappointed I considered not going over at all. Then as soon as I got there all I wanted was to rip his clothes off and make him, happy. I’m more interested in getting him off than I am in getting myself off. It makes me feel good.

I told him I liked him. He asked me if it was just because my Therapist liked him (she did say she liked him and I told him so). I thought that was funny. I tried explaining that I like my Therapist, but I don’t really go to her for advice so much as to hash out the shit in my mind. What she thinks, like anyone, is kind of irrelevant. I make my own opinions of people and things, it’s dealing with the shit in my head that I need her for. 

Anyways. We’ve had a couple of those, I’m not great with my emotions and my head and feelings are in different places so it’s hard and confusing for me conversations between yesterday and today. He said he noticed so he’s not totally in the dark at least. I just, feel bad. He seems so understanding. I’m just afraid he can’t really get it since he doesn’t seem to have this problem. At the same time I’m not sure if it matters if he can completely empathize as long as he accepts that it’s something I deal with and am working through and is okay that it’s something I have to work through.

Some days I feel so much better that I’m afraid I’m losing touch with who I was even as I try to be someone new. Other days the old feelings sneak up on me and blindside me and I’m so sad I hate that I’m affected so much.

He changed his plans and he’s coming out with us tomorrow so I can be with him and Roommate and maybe even my new roommates Doc and Monroe, but I’m still sad. It takes me a while to snap out of it. I’m just going to  have a drink or two while I wait. 

Sad,

Haven