Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years Eve

This was the best New Years Eve I can remember having (Okay, technically my New Years is Oct. 31st, but this is the one everyone else celebrates). I hosted a "mellow" gathering: Roommates Doc & Monroe, xRoommate and her BF, K and Twiggy, and 3 other friends + their son ( I was worried about them bringing him b/c we're kind of a raunchy group but he seemed fine and I know it has to suck to not get to socialize on nights like these b/c finding a baby sitter is hard). 

Anyways. This wasn't nearly so busy as the LOTR party but much rowdier, for us. Half the night we gathered in my kitchen just chatting, drinking, and noshing as we do. I made a new variant of my Red Wine Beef Stew, Savory Spinach Bites, and eventually some pizzas (Margherita & Roasted Butternut Squash and Red Onion). 

I'm STILL nervous when K and Twiggy come over. I keep worrying I'm going to do something to screw it all up. 

Plus I just felt hideous and fat. All trip back to see my parents I didn't gain weight. I was so proud of me, despite it being a very bulimic holiday. As soon as I get back though, BAM, parties, fattening food, and way too much alcohol. I really hate people looking at me. Can't stand it. I must have changed my clothes a dozen times beforehand. I just want to starve for the next two weeks so I can stop being so damn insecure. I've been doing so well  just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. 


Anyways it was a ton of fun. A little overwhelming for me. I have a hard time when so many people are talking over each other and at me at the same time. I naturally want to follow everything, but I can't manage it without my brain getting dizzy. My head feels like it's swimming. 

Every now and again K and I will be in a room together, or she'll come up to me to ask if there's anything she can do to help. I just want to apologize. We talked a lot via e-mail but I haven't gotten to apologize in person. She doesn't seem to need it, but I do. Then someone else comes along and the opportunity is gone. 

Eventually we went into the living room and all played Cards Against Humanity. I was nearly in tears so many times due to laughing too hard. Best game ever. 

Drank too much. At some point my over thinking and a hint of paranoia kicked in. I kept worrying if my behavior was too over the top, if I was trying to hard, if I was too this, too that... I just can't relax. I keep second guessing every little behavior of mine. Kept trying to figure out if I was right. The way I'm "supposed to be".  But in a way that was like pulling my own strings from a place outside of me. 

One moment I'm laughing too hard to breathe, the next I'm wondering if I was laughing too loud... as if it matters? I'm not doing anything wrong, but I'm still paranoid that I am. 

Midnight was whirlwind. We forgot to count down so 1 minute til we rushed into the kitchen to uncork the champagne. I told my one buddy to not stand in front of me so I didn't pop him, but it turns out we decided that was a good idea. Champagne everywhere, pouring quickly to fill peoples cups. Midnight and we're all toasting in my kitchen, laughing our brains out. It was all such a blur, like a scene from a movie when the camera pans too fast, then a still frame of the bottle foaming, hands in my vision pouring drinks. 

Eventually we finished our game, a couple people left, and we watched some Buffy for a bit. I had to excuse myself b/c I felt like I was eating and drinking too much and I had to purge. Unfortunately Roommate Monroe heard and thought I was actually getting sick. I waved it off and brought out Christmas and birthday presents for xRoommate and her BF. 

Odd moment of bad timing.... Zoe calls just as xRoommate is trying on the present I got her. Eveyrone was raving and I wanted to be in the moment, but it was New Years and you pick up the phone when your best friend calls after a text of 'Unless you are being sexed... no I lied then stop I still need my Haven!". I interrupted the moment and I felt all kinds of broken in between the two scenes. The one actually happening in front of me, and Zoe trying to convince me to join a threesome with her and another buddy of ours. I think I agreed (but that's not actually going to happen... we talked about that this morning and drunk us have very bad ideas that sober us don't really care for haha). 

Eventually everyone went home. It was so much fun, mixed with so much doubt and concern. Everyone had a great time. That's what I wanted. I just wish I could figure out how to relax. 

And of course today I feel so fat and disgusting I just want to keep starving still. Starve and stave and starve. ::sigh::