New Years Eve

This was the best New Years Eve I can remember having (Okay, technically my New Years is Oct. 31st, but this is the one everyone else celebrates). I hosted a "mellow" gathering: Roommates Doc & Monroe, xRoommate and her BF, K and Twiggy, and 3 other friends + their son ( I was worried about them bringing him b/c we're kind of a raunchy group but he seemed fine and I know it has to suck to not get to socialize on nights like these b/c finding a baby sitter is hard). 

Anyways. This wasn't nearly so busy as the LOTR party but much rowdier, for us. Half the night we gathered in my kitchen just chatting, drinking, and noshing as we do. I made a new variant of my Red Wine Beef Stew, Savory Spinach Bites, and eventually some pizzas (Margherita & Roasted Butternut Squash and Red Onion). 

I'm STILL nervous when K and Twiggy come over. I keep worrying I'm going to do something to screw it all up. 

Plus I just felt hideous and fat. All trip back to see my parents I didn't gain weight. I was so proud of me, despite it being a very bulimic holiday. As soon as I get back though, BAM, parties, fattening food, and way too much alcohol. I really hate people looking at me. Can't stand it. I must have changed my clothes a dozen times beforehand. I just want to starve for the next two weeks so I can stop being so damn insecure. I've been doing so well  just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. 

::sigh:: 

Anyways it was a ton of fun. A little overwhelming for me. I have a hard time when so many people are talking over each other and at me at the same time. I naturally want to follow everything, but I can't manage it without my brain getting dizzy. My head feels like it's swimming. 

Every now and again K and I will be in a room together, or she'll come up to me to ask if there's anything she can do to help. I just want to apologize. We talked a lot via e-mail but I haven't gotten to apologize in person. She doesn't seem to need it, but I do. Then someone else comes along and the opportunity is gone. 

Eventually we went into the living room and all played Cards Against Humanity. I was nearly in tears so many times due to laughing too hard. Best game ever. 

Drank too much. At some point my over thinking and a hint of paranoia kicked in. I kept worrying if my behavior was too over the top, if I was trying to hard, if I was too this, too that... I just can't relax. I keep second guessing every little behavior of mine. Kept trying to figure out if I was right. The way I'm "supposed to be".  But in a way that was like pulling my own strings from a place outside of me. 

One moment I'm laughing too hard to breathe, the next I'm wondering if I was laughing too loud... as if it matters? I'm not doing anything wrong, but I'm still paranoid that I am. 

Midnight was whirlwind. We forgot to count down so 1 minute til we rushed into the kitchen to uncork the champagne. I told my one buddy to not stand in front of me so I didn't pop him, but it turns out we decided that was a good idea. Champagne everywhere, pouring quickly to fill peoples cups. Midnight and we're all toasting in my kitchen, laughing our brains out. It was all such a blur, like a scene from a movie when the camera pans too fast, then a still frame of the bottle foaming, hands in my vision pouring drinks. 

Eventually we finished our game, a couple people left, and we watched some Buffy for a bit. I had to excuse myself b/c I felt like I was eating and drinking too much and I had to purge. Unfortunately Roommate Monroe heard and thought I was actually getting sick. I waved it off and brought out Christmas and birthday presents for xRoommate and her BF. 

Odd moment of bad timing.... Zoe calls just as xRoommate is trying on the present I got her. Eveyrone was raving and I wanted to be in the moment, but it was New Years and you pick up the phone when your best friend calls after a text of 'Unless you are being sexed... no I lied then stop I still need my Haven!". I interrupted the moment and I felt all kinds of broken in between the two scenes. The one actually happening in front of me, and Zoe trying to convince me to join a threesome with her and another buddy of ours. I think I agreed (but that's not actually going to happen... we talked about that this morning and drunk us have very bad ideas that sober us don't really care for haha). 

Eventually everyone went home. It was so much fun, mixed with so much doubt and concern. Everyone had a great time. That's what I wanted. I just wish I could figure out how to relax. 

And of course today I feel so fat and disgusting I just want to keep starving still. Starve and stave and starve. ::sigh:: 

Love, maybe?

Dear Diary,

Well this was a weekend.

Friday night I was super self-conscious. Tech Boy wanted me to come over to hang out with him and his friends that were visiting from out of state. Pool party/BBQ style. Pool = Bathing suit = No, no I don’t think so.

I stayed in with Doc and Monroe. Monroe and I worked on a puzzle. I drank. Doc had sat down with me earlier in the day. He told me he really wanted to get out and start hanging out with me more, but he realized I was probably still kind of sad about xRoommate moving out. I almost cried trying to explain that I don’t want them to feel bad because I’m stoked to have them living with me now, but xRoommate is my closest friend and I’m worried about losing my connection to her. He totally understood. He’s so awesome.

Later that night xRoommate and her boyfriend came over to pick up the last of her stuff. They hung out, had a drink with us, we watched some T.V. it was super fun. Her boyfriend tried getting us to all go see Spiderman. I already turned down plans with Tech Boy. The very last thing I wanted to do was go out. Also I wanted to wake up early to go to the gym. It was a chill evening for the most part, but he was starting to stress me out a lot.

Saturday I woke up exhausted. I managed to get to the gym for my 2.5 hour workout but I felt like I was dragging ass the whole time. Tech Boy texted me to figure out plans for the evening. He rearranged his whole day so he could meet up with me that night at the bar with xRoommate and her boyfriend.

Came home. Nap. So exhausted. I woke up to a fresh baked cinnamon roll on my computer desk. Monroe baked when I was asleep. Ok. So I looked at this thing and thought, Shit, calories that I don’t want. I took a couple bites and wrapped the rest up. It was seriously delicious though.

I cleaned. I cleaned a lot. My brain feels better when I clean. I threw out a ton of stuff I was holding on to for no reason. As the evening went on I got more and more self-conscious. Felt more and more ugly. I talked to Monroe a lot about how I handle running into people I don’t want to deal with. She has a lot of social anxiety like I do. I really like her. She’s such a wonderful person.

I still feel so out of sorts though. I’m also worried about the landlords. They’re kind of nutjobs and stated explicitly that they don’t want 3 people living in the apartment, which is pretty much what we have going on right now. Monroe and I got all the lease stuff signed and taken care of so I felt a lot better after that. I’m super paranoid though.

For the first time, I’m seriously considering saving my money to buy my own house. I can have whoever I want over. No one can tell me who can come and go. How many people I can have over. Where to park. How to paint the walls. All mine to decide. I could really get behind that idea. I could save up for my own place, have friends rent with me, help me pay my mortgage. It would be easier to deal with if I had a partner though. Like maybe if Tech Boy and I are still together in a year, maybe he’d be interested. 

Maybe…

So it came time to go to the bar and meet up with everyone. Tech Boy cancelled at the very last second. I think he thought I was there by myself for a bit. One of his friends got a horrific migraine so they had to bail. I was really bummed out. Especially since he’d sent me a facebook invite earlier in the day to go on their annual trip to Canada. No thanks. I’ve taking a 10 hr drive the 10^th of August… another 8 hour drive back to NY on the 18^th, then the Canada trip is the 25^th. Also, it’s like hunting, fishing, boating, ick ick ick. Too much driving, and too much stuff I won’t participate in. So it’ll be another 3 weekends in a row I don’t get to see him at all.

So he wasn’t at the bar with me when that chochy meat head was hitting on me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I had fun anyways. I was less self-conscious since he wasn’t there. I got to dance and really feel the music. I’m strangely attracted to the lead singer. I’m not a groupie kind of girl. He has an amazing voice though and he seems like a fun guy on stage. xRoommate, her boyfriend, and I had a really great night. It’s so much fun hanging out with them.

Sunday. Tech Boy finally came over around 4p. I felt oddly distant from him. Maybe I was projecting. I was so self-conscious and my body image was so bad, I felt like he must hate how I look. We went to Dick’s to exchange my new running shoes. Then wasted some time at Best Buy where I made a bit of an impulse purchase by dropping close to $400 on a new LED TV. Monroe accidentally broke the wires on my living room TV. It wasn’t a big deal. That TV was a free acquisition from my first house in NY. The very first time Tech Boy came over to watch Star Wars he’s been trying to convince me to join the 21^st century and get rid of my old CRT.  So  I finally did. So much money to drop. I could have gotten something cheaper, but I guess, quality?  So much money. We went to dinner after and had a couple drinks. Then back to my house to set up the TV and break it in. We fell asleep on each other before Fellowship ended but it was super cute. He stayed over too.

I love sleeping with him. He wraps himself around me and it’s so warm and safe. I think this is the first time we’ve slept together in 9 months that we haven’t had sex. I feel almost guilty but he was more tired than I was so I guess he wasn’t bothered by it. I could curl up with him forever. He woke up early to take a shower, and then got back into bed to curl up with me a little while longer. Best feeling in the world.

He’s not really a public display of affection kind of guy. He’s taken to hugging me from behind and kissing the back of my neck when we’re out. I love it. It’s so sweet. I think I would do anything for him to do that. I love it. I think I might love him. It’s scary.

We’re so different, which makes my mind wonder if we’re right for each other. But he’s also so straight forward. He’s always been honest with me. I don’t always like what I hear sometimes, but I don’t doubt what he’s saying. He really is a good man. And he’s so sweet to me. I adore him. 

Mushy, 

Haven