Thursday, February 28, 2013

Endings and Middlings

I ended it with New Girl today. It was definitely for the best.

I haven’t thought of anything else for the last two days. How much I don’t want to hurt her, but how much this really isn’t working for me. All the things she’s been through and not wanting to make that worse, take those into consideration, but her stuff really doesn’t change the fact that I’m just not into this relationship.

I’ve been on edge with her since she blew up with me over not being able to take a train that wasn’t running out to see her. Even before then, all the need for nightly conversations on the phone (which is a huge point of anxiety for me), asking me about plans to move closer before she technically met me… I have never felt like I was being my real self when I’ve talked to her, or been with her. I always feel like I’m trying to be who she needs me to be.

Which is completely the opposite with Tech Boy who doesn’t need me to be anyone. He’s happy to just let me be me. Whoever that happens to be, without crowding me or climbing into my skin.

She had a rehab relapse after our first date. Was in the ER for detox. She’s been planning all these elaborate things, wanting to take me on vacation, all these things… and we’ve seen each other twice. It’s so suffocating.

And infuriating. She’s the worst listener ever. She’s definitely a touch A.D.D. Every time she asks me about something, before I can finish explaining or tell her my story, she cuts me of, steps on my words, takes over the story, and never lets me finish. I honesty can not recall a single conversation where I’ve been able to finish something I started out saying. Do you know how aggravating that is?

What’s even more aggravating is that in the moment, I feel the need to let her feel like it’s okay that she does all of these things. Even though it’s really not.

She feels this need to tell me she’s sooooo aggressive… except what she thinks is aggressive just comes off as supremely insecure.

She’s trying to fit an entire relationship, an entire life together into two dates… to force everything to happen RIGHT THE HELL NOW…

I’ve told her over and over again that I’m going to need my space, that I need to take things slow, that I don’t open up that quickly… and she repeats it to me like she’s listening, but then presses on with the next major life milestone that she wants to accomplish with me. She hears but doesn’t listen. At all. I can feel her heart swelling and breaking every time I don’t respond to her texts in exactly 0.2 seconds after she leaves me a message.

It’s SO MUCH PRESSURE! I just can’t. I can’t. I feel like the biggest asshole because it’s so bleeding obvious how into me she is, but we are on completely opposite emotional planes. And she has zero emotional stability. Which is something I absolutely need in my life. I’m still working on getting myself together and I need to make healthy choices when it comes to the people I let in.

If I let her in, I would be ignoring what I need to only give her what I’m sure she needs. I need someone that can at least meet me halfway .

And then there’s Tech Boy. While every time New Girl has texted me it’s created a terrific sense of annoyance in me. Chatting with him has been sweet and kind of makes me smile.

Unless I’m drinking though, I’m not quite able to relax or relate to him. I can’t be drunk for the rest of my life though, so I really need to figure out what he means to me sober.

We went out last Saturday. He wanted to take me to a new bar down the road from his new place. It sounded like it should be an awesome place… it turned out to be the biggest dud I’d seen in years. Awful bar, completely empty, no music, and a side door that let the inside remain freezing yet smokey all at one awful time. So we went to the next place down the road. Almost, but not quite, as bad. Super bright, with *the worst* amateur singing performer I’ve ever heard. Whoever told her this was a good idea, is not a friend. So we went to a place closer to me. Didn’t even sit down or get a drink. They wanted to charge a huge cover for some no name band that we didn’t want to hear. Went to an old standby after that. Paid the $5 cover only to find out the restaurant portion was closed and it was shoulder to shoulder packed and too loud to hear ourselves think. After being in there for approximately 15 seconds I became overwhelmingly claustrophobic.

I promptly returned to the bouncer and asked for our money back. 6 foot 5 inches of really not happy with me but unable to intimidate me in any way, he gave us our money back. We went across the street to another good bar, where we were finally able to get drinks AND a table with food service. I think I ended up having 4-5 drinks that night. Most of my last one got knocked all over my skirt by the clumsy fuck sitting next to us though. Fortunately it was white wine and I was wearing a black skirt. Drenched. Finally we went back to his place where I promptly snuggled up to him and fell asleep in his lap after getting out of my wine scented clothes.

We ended up having a really good  night throughout our comedy of bar errors.  I definitely needed a drink or two in me though before I felt it.

Yet, I see him at work, we text at night, and it’s nice.

Then again, he told me he wouldn’t be here this week and I got insta-pissed, what flashed through my brain was – Great so it’s just going to be this all over again. I’m just not going to text him anymore because this isn’t going anywhere. I didn’t say or express any of that to him. And of course we were chatting just fine by the next day.

I’m not sure if I need him to be there or if I’m grateful that he doesn’t need to be up my butt in light of how New Girl was.

I just want something reasonably in the middle! I realize I often have this all or nothing thinking, but can I get a little grey area here?