Friday, March 1, 2013

Break-ups, Clarity, and Friends with Benefits???

Drank an entire bottle of wine last night. Why is it that a glass of wine never feels like that much until you’re pretty much at the bottom of it? Seriously. I’m attached at the hip to liters of water all day which I guzzle without a thought. It’s so hard to not drink alcohol like water sometimes, which yes, I do realize is a problem.

Anyways. I needed to do something to prepare myself to talk to New Girl. Hence the wine. A little too much wine, but there you have it. After I told her I didn’t want to see her. She got weird. Then she begged to talk to me on the phone that night. To get closure and to understand why I seemed so into her before but now out of the blue, I’m not. So I did.

She was very, very confused. Baffled. By my seemingly everything is perfect and amazing dates with her, but now I’m not interested? What gives? Trust me I get it. I saw myself doing it, which is why I needed to stop it.

I tried in the kindest, most mindful way… considering my blood alcohol content… the explain to her that she’s a great person, but I don’t feel like I am myself around her. That’s it easy for me to get swept up in the moment, swept up what I can tell she needs, and it’s natural for me to want to give to people I like the things that I can tell will make them happy. Essentially I explained Mirroring. Unfortunately, in doing so, I’m giving them someone they want, but not necessarily who I am. Which is the problem. I catch myself saying, and agreeing with things, that I have no real agreement with, some things that are straight up counter what to I’m okay with.

She smokes cigarettes – I hate cigarettes
She smokes week – Weed makes me nauseous
She hijacks every conversation – It pisses me off in an OCD way when I can’t finish my thought process
She needs A LOT of attention – I have no inclination or desire to give that kind of attention. All the time. 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

I explained that emotionally she is very intense and she moves very quickly emotionally. In the moment I get swept up in it… but when I have a chance to step back it is incredibly overwhelming for me and I feel an intense amount of pressure that makes me very uncomfortable. And on and on. I’m sure I rambled. The whole time it was very important that I made her feel appreciated and still cared for, but that we just weren’t right for each other.

Anyways I think she finally got it.

In the mean time. Tech Boy texted me. I explained to him that I was having this conversation. So he knows about New Girl. I assumed he had seen other girls. No, he hadn’t. But he didn’t seem fazed by the fact that I had. I also managed to have the semi-awkward conversation of I’m not really sure what is going on between the two of us. I don’t know what he wants from me. I’m not really sure what I want from him. I do know that I like seeing him though. He seems to be on the same page. He feels the same way and it’s just great being with me. Which is pretty damn sweet. Considering I absolutely do not have the problem I had with New Girl, and I can just be my usual snarky self with him.
So I thought things were basically all squared away and good.

Today at lunch New Girl texted me. She totally flipped on me. Apparently she just wants to be friends with benefits now. No attachment, just two friends that have chemistry and sex each other up sometimes.  This from a girl that was planning our future and telling me how much she was into me, in way too much detail. Something’s not right here. And I feel like it’s a gateway to relationship town via the back alley behind the liquor store.


Thursday, February 28, 2013

Endings and Middlings

I ended it with New Girl today. It was definitely for the best.

I haven’t thought of anything else for the last two days. How much I don’t want to hurt her, but how much this really isn’t working for me. All the things she’s been through and not wanting to make that worse, take those into consideration, but her stuff really doesn’t change the fact that I’m just not into this relationship.

I’ve been on edge with her since she blew up with me over not being able to take a train that wasn’t running out to see her. Even before then, all the need for nightly conversations on the phone (which is a huge point of anxiety for me), asking me about plans to move closer before she technically met me… I have never felt like I was being my real self when I’ve talked to her, or been with her. I always feel like I’m trying to be who she needs me to be.

Which is completely the opposite with Tech Boy who doesn’t need me to be anyone. He’s happy to just let me be me. Whoever that happens to be, without crowding me or climbing into my skin.

She had a rehab relapse after our first date. Was in the ER for detox. She’s been planning all these elaborate things, wanting to take me on vacation, all these things… and we’ve seen each other twice. It’s so suffocating.

And infuriating. She’s the worst listener ever. She’s definitely a touch A.D.D. Every time she asks me about something, before I can finish explaining or tell her my story, she cuts me of, steps on my words, takes over the story, and never lets me finish. I honesty can not recall a single conversation where I’ve been able to finish something I started out saying. Do you know how aggravating that is?

What’s even more aggravating is that in the moment, I feel the need to let her feel like it’s okay that she does all of these things. Even though it’s really not.

She feels this need to tell me she’s sooooo aggressive… except what she thinks is aggressive just comes off as supremely insecure.

She’s trying to fit an entire relationship, an entire life together into two dates… to force everything to happen RIGHT THE HELL NOW…

I’ve told her over and over again that I’m going to need my space, that I need to take things slow, that I don’t open up that quickly… and she repeats it to me like she’s listening, but then presses on with the next major life milestone that she wants to accomplish with me. She hears but doesn’t listen. At all. I can feel her heart swelling and breaking every time I don’t respond to her texts in exactly 0.2 seconds after she leaves me a message.

It’s SO MUCH PRESSURE! I just can’t. I can’t. I feel like the biggest asshole because it’s so bleeding obvious how into me she is, but we are on completely opposite emotional planes. And she has zero emotional stability. Which is something I absolutely need in my life. I’m still working on getting myself together and I need to make healthy choices when it comes to the people I let in.

If I let her in, I would be ignoring what I need to only give her what I’m sure she needs. I need someone that can at least meet me halfway .

And then there’s Tech Boy. While every time New Girl has texted me it’s created a terrific sense of annoyance in me. Chatting with him has been sweet and kind of makes me smile.

Unless I’m drinking though, I’m not quite able to relax or relate to him. I can’t be drunk for the rest of my life though, so I really need to figure out what he means to me sober.

We went out last Saturday. He wanted to take me to a new bar down the road from his new place. It sounded like it should be an awesome place… it turned out to be the biggest dud I’d seen in years. Awful bar, completely empty, no music, and a side door that let the inside remain freezing yet smokey all at one awful time. So we went to the next place down the road. Almost, but not quite, as bad. Super bright, with *the worst* amateur singing performer I’ve ever heard. Whoever told her this was a good idea, is not a friend. So we went to a place closer to me. Didn’t even sit down or get a drink. They wanted to charge a huge cover for some no name band that we didn’t want to hear. Went to an old standby after that. Paid the $5 cover only to find out the restaurant portion was closed and it was shoulder to shoulder packed and too loud to hear ourselves think. After being in there for approximately 15 seconds I became overwhelmingly claustrophobic.

I promptly returned to the bouncer and asked for our money back. 6 foot 5 inches of really not happy with me but unable to intimidate me in any way, he gave us our money back. We went across the street to another good bar, where we were finally able to get drinks AND a table with food service. I think I ended up having 4-5 drinks that night. Most of my last one got knocked all over my skirt by the clumsy fuck sitting next to us though. Fortunately it was white wine and I was wearing a black skirt. Drenched. Finally we went back to his place where I promptly snuggled up to him and fell asleep in his lap after getting out of my wine scented clothes.

We ended up having a really good  night throughout our comedy of bar errors.  I definitely needed a drink or two in me though before I felt it.

Yet, I see him at work, we text at night, and it’s nice.

Then again, he told me he wouldn’t be here this week and I got insta-pissed, what flashed through my brain was – Great so it’s just going to be this all over again. I’m just not going to text him anymore because this isn’t going anywhere. I didn’t say or express any of that to him. And of course we were chatting just fine by the next day.

I’m not sure if I need him to be there or if I’m grateful that he doesn’t need to be up my butt in light of how New Girl was.

I just want something reasonably in the middle! I realize I often have this all or nothing thinking, but can I get a little grey area here?


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years Eve

This was the best New Years Eve I can remember having (Okay, technically my New Years is Oct. 31st, but this is the one everyone else celebrates). I hosted a "mellow" gathering: Roommates Doc & Monroe, xRoommate and her BF, K and Twiggy, and 3 other friends + their son ( I was worried about them bringing him b/c we're kind of a raunchy group but he seemed fine and I know it has to suck to not get to socialize on nights like these b/c finding a baby sitter is hard). 

Anyways. This wasn't nearly so busy as the LOTR party but much rowdier, for us. Half the night we gathered in my kitchen just chatting, drinking, and noshing as we do. I made a new variant of my Red Wine Beef Stew, Savory Spinach Bites, and eventually some pizzas (Margherita & Roasted Butternut Squash and Red Onion). 

I'm STILL nervous when K and Twiggy come over. I keep worrying I'm going to do something to screw it all up. 

Plus I just felt hideous and fat. All trip back to see my parents I didn't gain weight. I was so proud of me, despite it being a very bulimic holiday. As soon as I get back though, BAM, parties, fattening food, and way too much alcohol. I really hate people looking at me. Can't stand it. I must have changed my clothes a dozen times beforehand. I just want to starve for the next two weeks so I can stop being so damn insecure. I've been doing so well  just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. 


Anyways it was a ton of fun. A little overwhelming for me. I have a hard time when so many people are talking over each other and at me at the same time. I naturally want to follow everything, but I can't manage it without my brain getting dizzy. My head feels like it's swimming. 

Every now and again K and I will be in a room together, or she'll come up to me to ask if there's anything she can do to help. I just want to apologize. We talked a lot via e-mail but I haven't gotten to apologize in person. She doesn't seem to need it, but I do. Then someone else comes along and the opportunity is gone. 

Eventually we went into the living room and all played Cards Against Humanity. I was nearly in tears so many times due to laughing too hard. Best game ever. 

Drank too much. At some point my over thinking and a hint of paranoia kicked in. I kept worrying if my behavior was too over the top, if I was trying to hard, if I was too this, too that... I just can't relax. I keep second guessing every little behavior of mine. Kept trying to figure out if I was right. The way I'm "supposed to be".  But in a way that was like pulling my own strings from a place outside of me. 

One moment I'm laughing too hard to breathe, the next I'm wondering if I was laughing too loud... as if it matters? I'm not doing anything wrong, but I'm still paranoid that I am. 

Midnight was whirlwind. We forgot to count down so 1 minute til we rushed into the kitchen to uncork the champagne. I told my one buddy to not stand in front of me so I didn't pop him, but it turns out we decided that was a good idea. Champagne everywhere, pouring quickly to fill peoples cups. Midnight and we're all toasting in my kitchen, laughing our brains out. It was all such a blur, like a scene from a movie when the camera pans too fast, then a still frame of the bottle foaming, hands in my vision pouring drinks. 

Eventually we finished our game, a couple people left, and we watched some Buffy for a bit. I had to excuse myself b/c I felt like I was eating and drinking too much and I had to purge. Unfortunately Roommate Monroe heard and thought I was actually getting sick. I waved it off and brought out Christmas and birthday presents for xRoommate and her BF. 

Odd moment of bad timing.... Zoe calls just as xRoommate is trying on the present I got her. Eveyrone was raving and I wanted to be in the moment, but it was New Years and you pick up the phone when your best friend calls after a text of 'Unless you are being sexed... no I lied then stop I still need my Haven!". I interrupted the moment and I felt all kinds of broken in between the two scenes. The one actually happening in front of me, and Zoe trying to convince me to join a threesome with her and another buddy of ours. I think I agreed (but that's not actually going to happen... we talked about that this morning and drunk us have very bad ideas that sober us don't really care for haha). 

Eventually everyone went home. It was so much fun, mixed with so much doubt and concern. Everyone had a great time. That's what I wanted. I just wish I could figure out how to relax. 

And of course today I feel so fat and disgusting I just want to keep starving still. Starve and stave and starve. ::sigh::