Drank an entire bottle of wine last night. Why is it that a
glass of wine never feels like that much until you’re pretty much at the bottom
of it? Seriously. I’m attached at the hip to liters of water all day which I
guzzle without a thought. It’s so hard to not drink alcohol like water
sometimes, which yes, I do realize is a problem.
Anyways. I needed to do something to prepare myself to talk
to New Girl. Hence the wine. A little too much wine, but there you have it. After
I told her I didn’t want to see her. She got weird. Then she begged to talk to
me on the phone that night. To get closure and to understand why I seemed so
into her before but now out of the blue, I’m not. So I did.
She was very, very confused. Baffled. By my seemingly
everything is perfect and amazing dates with her, but now I’m not interested?
What gives? Trust me I get it. I saw myself doing it, which is why I needed to
stop it.
I tried in the kindest, most mindful way… considering my
blood alcohol content… the explain to her that she’s a great person, but I don’t
feel like I am myself around her. That’s it easy for me to get swept up in the
moment, swept up what I can tell she needs, and it’s natural for me to want to
give to people I like the things that I can tell will make them happy.
Essentially I explained Mirroring. Unfortunately, in doing so, I’m giving them
someone they want, but not necessarily who I am. Which is the problem. I catch
myself saying, and agreeing with things, that I have no real agreement with,
some things that are straight up counter what to I’m okay with.
She smokes cigarettes – I hate cigarettes
She smokes week – Weed makes me nauseous
She hijacks every conversation – It pisses me off in an OCD
way when I can’t finish my thought process
She needs A LOT of attention – I have no inclination or
desire to give that kind of attention. All the time. 24 hours a day 7 days a
week.
I explained that emotionally she is very intense and she
moves very quickly emotionally. In the moment I get swept up in it… but when I
have a chance to step back it is incredibly overwhelming for me and I feel an
intense amount of pressure that makes me very uncomfortable. And on and on. I’m
sure I rambled. The whole time it was very important that I made her feel
appreciated and still cared for, but that we just weren’t right for each other.
Anyways I think she finally got it.
In the mean time. Tech Boy texted me. I explained to him
that I was having this conversation. So he knows about New Girl. I assumed he
had seen other girls. No, he hadn’t. But he didn’t seem fazed by the fact that
I had. I also managed to have the semi-awkward conversation of I’m not really
sure what is going on between the two of us. I don’t know what he wants from
me. I’m not really sure what I want from him. I do know that I like seeing him
though. He seems to be on the same page. He feels the same way and it’s just
great being with me. Which is pretty damn sweet. Considering I absolutely do
not have the problem I had with New Girl, and I can just be my usual snarky
self with him.
So I thought things were basically all squared away and
good.
Today at lunch New Girl texted me. She totally flipped on
me. Apparently she just wants to be friends with benefits now. No attachment,
just two friends that have chemistry and sex each other up sometimes. This from a girl that was planning our future
and telling me how much she was into me, in way too much detail. Something’s
not right here. And I feel like it’s a gateway to relationship town via the
back alley behind the liquor store.
Arg.
