Love, maybe?

Dear Diary,

Well this was a weekend.

Friday night I was super self-conscious. Tech Boy wanted me to come over to hang out with him and his friends that were visiting from out of state. Pool party/BBQ style. Pool = Bathing suit = No, no I don’t think so.

I stayed in with Doc and Monroe. Monroe and I worked on a puzzle. I drank. Doc had sat down with me earlier in the day. He told me he really wanted to get out and start hanging out with me more, but he realized I was probably still kind of sad about xRoommate moving out. I almost cried trying to explain that I don’t want them to feel bad because I’m stoked to have them living with me now, but xRoommate is my closest friend and I’m worried about losing my connection to her. He totally understood. He’s so awesome.

Later that night xRoommate and her boyfriend came over to pick up the last of her stuff. They hung out, had a drink with us, we watched some T.V. it was super fun. Her boyfriend tried getting us to all go see Spiderman. I already turned down plans with Tech Boy. The very last thing I wanted to do was go out. Also I wanted to wake up early to go to the gym. It was a chill evening for the most part, but he was starting to stress me out a lot.

Saturday I woke up exhausted. I managed to get to the gym for my 2.5 hour workout but I felt like I was dragging ass the whole time. Tech Boy texted me to figure out plans for the evening. He rearranged his whole day so he could meet up with me that night at the bar with xRoommate and her boyfriend.

Came home. Nap. So exhausted. I woke up to a fresh baked cinnamon roll on my computer desk. Monroe baked when I was asleep. Ok. So I looked at this thing and thought, Shit, calories that I don’t want. I took a couple bites and wrapped the rest up. It was seriously delicious though.

I cleaned. I cleaned a lot. My brain feels better when I clean. I threw out a ton of stuff I was holding on to for no reason. As the evening went on I got more and more self-conscious. Felt more and more ugly. I talked to Monroe a lot about how I handle running into people I don’t want to deal with. She has a lot of social anxiety like I do. I really like her. She’s such a wonderful person.

I still feel so out of sorts though. I’m also worried about the landlords. They’re kind of nutjobs and stated explicitly that they don’t want 3 people living in the apartment, which is pretty much what we have going on right now. Monroe and I got all the lease stuff signed and taken care of so I felt a lot better after that. I’m super paranoid though.

For the first time, I’m seriously considering saving my money to buy my own house. I can have whoever I want over. No one can tell me who can come and go. How many people I can have over. Where to park. How to paint the walls. All mine to decide. I could really get behind that idea. I could save up for my own place, have friends rent with me, help me pay my mortgage. It would be easier to deal with if I had a partner though. Like maybe if Tech Boy and I are still together in a year, maybe he’d be interested. 

Maybe…

So it came time to go to the bar and meet up with everyone. Tech Boy cancelled at the very last second. I think he thought I was there by myself for a bit. One of his friends got a horrific migraine so they had to bail. I was really bummed out. Especially since he’d sent me a facebook invite earlier in the day to go on their annual trip to Canada. No thanks. I’ve taking a 10 hr drive the 10^th of August… another 8 hour drive back to NY on the 18^th, then the Canada trip is the 25^th. Also, it’s like hunting, fishing, boating, ick ick ick. Too much driving, and too much stuff I won’t participate in. So it’ll be another 3 weekends in a row I don’t get to see him at all.

So he wasn’t at the bar with me when that chochy meat head was hitting on me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I had fun anyways. I was less self-conscious since he wasn’t there. I got to dance and really feel the music. I’m strangely attracted to the lead singer. I’m not a groupie kind of girl. He has an amazing voice though and he seems like a fun guy on stage. xRoommate, her boyfriend, and I had a really great night. It’s so much fun hanging out with them.

Sunday. Tech Boy finally came over around 4p. I felt oddly distant from him. Maybe I was projecting. I was so self-conscious and my body image was so bad, I felt like he must hate how I look. We went to Dick’s to exchange my new running shoes. Then wasted some time at Best Buy where I made a bit of an impulse purchase by dropping close to $400 on a new LED TV. Monroe accidentally broke the wires on my living room TV. It wasn’t a big deal. That TV was a free acquisition from my first house in NY. The very first time Tech Boy came over to watch Star Wars he’s been trying to convince me to join the 21^st century and get rid of my old CRT.  So  I finally did. So much money to drop. I could have gotten something cheaper, but I guess, quality?  So much money. We went to dinner after and had a couple drinks. Then back to my house to set up the TV and break it in. We fell asleep on each other before Fellowship ended but it was super cute. He stayed over too.

I love sleeping with him. He wraps himself around me and it’s so warm and safe. I think this is the first time we’ve slept together in 9 months that we haven’t had sex. I feel almost guilty but he was more tired than I was so I guess he wasn’t bothered by it. I could curl up with him forever. He woke up early to take a shower, and then got back into bed to curl up with me a little while longer. Best feeling in the world.

He’s not really a public display of affection kind of guy. He’s taken to hugging me from behind and kissing the back of my neck when we’re out. I love it. It’s so sweet. I think I would do anything for him to do that. I love it. I think I might love him. It’s scary.

We’re so different, which makes my mind wonder if we’re right for each other. But he’s also so straight forward. He’s always been honest with me. I don’t always like what I hear sometimes, but I don’t doubt what he’s saying. He really is a good man. And he’s so sweet to me. I adore him. 

Mushy, 

Haven

Changing Plans

Dear Diary,

I’m so sad right now. I’ve started crying half a dozen times since I left work. Roommate moved out last weekend. I have to go back to see my home state next weekend. I might not get to see Tech Boy this weekend. As soon as he told me he had all these plans this weekend my heart started hurting. 3 weekends in a row without him? That sucks so much. It makes me want to run away and put an end to the whole thing.

I know, it’s retarded. But he’s having all his friends up and wanted me to go over to go swimming and and stuff? Swimming? With this body? Fuck no. So no seeing him tonight? Then he was going to take his boys out tomorrow? One of them being the guy that basically told me the only reason I got my engineering job was because I had breasts. Of course I was invited to that too, but why the fuck would I want to hang out with that asshat? No thanks. As soon as he told me that I just responded with , “ok.”  Trying not to make any fuss or anything. But I started crying to myself. This was all via text so he couldn’t see. I really want to spend Saturday with Roommate and her boyfriend b/c they invited me out and I don’t want to lose my connection to her. About two minutes later he texted me back with “don’t count me out, maybe I can rearrange the schedule.” 

Then he totally worked it all out, noticed that I was bothered by the potential of not seeing him, and stuff. I’m still unhappy and upset, but he’s kind of wonderful at the same time. It’s such a stupid little thing and I just, felt so upset like this would never work out because he can’t make time for me and doesn’t bother to check with me to see if we can make our plans match up, and I have all these thoughts about how it’s just never going to work if he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I feel like he’s not really here… but he realizes that I’m upset and works it out for me.

We curled up on his couch yesterday just watching a movie. I love being with him. He’s so warm and solid. I was ridiculously disappointed that he wanted to take a nap when he got home from his vacation because all I could think about was seeing him right after work, pushing him down on the couch and having sex with him. Which we totally did, but I had to wait, and I was sad that he didn’t want to see me right away since he hadn’t seen me in almost a week. I was so disappointed I considered not going over at all. Then as soon as I got there all I wanted was to rip his clothes off and make him, happy. I’m more interested in getting him off than I am in getting myself off. It makes me feel good.

I told him I liked him. He asked me if it was just because my Therapist liked him (she did say she liked him and I told him so). I thought that was funny. I tried explaining that I like my Therapist, but I don’t really go to her for advice so much as to hash out the shit in my mind. What she thinks, like anyone, is kind of irrelevant. I make my own opinions of people and things, it’s dealing with the shit in my head that I need her for. 

Anyways. We’ve had a couple of those, I’m not great with my emotions and my head and feelings are in different places so it’s hard and confusing for me conversations between yesterday and today. He said he noticed so he’s not totally in the dark at least. I just, feel bad. He seems so understanding. I’m just afraid he can’t really get it since he doesn’t seem to have this problem. At the same time I’m not sure if it matters if he can completely empathize as long as he accepts that it’s something I deal with and am working through and is okay that it’s something I have to work through.

Some days I feel so much better that I’m afraid I’m losing touch with who I was even as I try to be someone new. Other days the old feelings sneak up on me and blindside me and I’m so sad I hate that I’m affected so much.

He changed his plans and he’s coming out with us tomorrow so I can be with him and Roommate and maybe even my new roommates Doc and Monroe, but I’m still sad. It takes me a while to snap out of it. I’m just going to  have a drink or two while I wait. 

Sad,

Haven

Here today, Gone tomorrow

So this weekend was the big move. Everything just feels wrong right now. I don’t know how this is going to work but it bothers me.

Saturday morning I got up early to get my stress out at the gym, but my brain instantly started prioritizing my time: have to go to the bank, have to finish cupcakes (I made lemoncello cupcakes with lemon frosting and a lemon curd filling)… if I get to the gym by 7:30a I’ll only have 45 minutes if I want time to drive to the bank for rent $, then get back in time to fill/frost cupcakes, and get in the shower by 10… OR… and my brain just kept spinning so I decided to skip the gym and just get the important stuff out of the way.

I bought a little going away present for Roommate. I got us tiny organic fabric stuffed animal cats. One that looks like my cat, and one that looks like hers. I gave her the one that looks like my cat and I’m keeping the one that looks like hers so we’ll always have both kitties. I finally got myself to sit down and write her a letter to go with the present too. The first letter I cried all over and smeared the ink. New letter. Then  I spelled something wrong. New letter. Then I thought my handwriting looked ugly. New letter. I went through half a dozen re-writes of the letter before I was able to accept one. I just kept thinking that if it wasn’t written perfectly she’d think I didn’t really care or it would mean less.

Then they came back with the truck. Roommate hugs me and we both start to tear up. She said something like, “This should have been ugly. {It would have been easier}.” K and Twiggy showed up. Things went surprisingly well with them. They were pleasant and friendly. Not overly talkative (K never is), but Twiggy was downright nice to me. I’m very grateful for that. We worked together and, while it was a little awkward, and I fumbled over myself a few times, it wasn’t terrible, though I still carry a lot of guilt and regret in regards to them.

At one point during the morning I lost it. I was carrying boxes out and I just started crying. I had to go around the truck so no one would see me. Roommates boyfriend came out and saw me. He hugged me and assured me that this was in no way an end. I kept apologizing that I didn’t want anyone to see me crying. I didn’t want anyone to feel bad that I was sad and couldn’t keep it together. I didn’t want to be in anyone’s way while I’m all mopey. He assured me that I wasn’t in anyone’s way and he totally understood and that it would be okay. There were a lot of points in the day where I choked and had to stop the tears.

I just kept moving boxes. The busier I could keep my hands, the more I could distract my mind.  

We were moving boxes from 10a-4p non-stop.

Things got a little tense at the end when we were trying to discuss dropping off the truck. It was me, Roommate, Roommates boyfriend, K, Twiggy, and one other buddy doing this move. Roommate and her boyfriend drove in the U-Haul, I drove with our buddy, and K and Twiggy rode together. Roommate was going to buy us lunch and then we were going to clean. First, Roommate and her boyfriend needed to go return the truck. We needed someone to follow them to pick them up, and drive them back. Roommate’s boyfriend kept making suggestions that would end with me, K, and Twiggy hanging out alone together. There was just no way that was going to work. In the end they ended up leaving b/c they had work to do and the rest of us went to return the trunk and do dinner. I was kind of disappointed. I wish we could have figured it out in a way that we could have all spent more time together.

But then it was back to the apartment for some more small packing and a LOT of cleaning. By the time Doc and Dr-Gf got there I was lost in my own head. I was sitting on the couch, barely able to talk, staring off into space. I felt empty and hollow. Numb.

I just felt lost. My best friend is leaving and I don’t know what to do with myself. Finally it was time for her to go. Just us in the kitchen hugging each other as hard as we could. She told me she loved me and she was so glad we were friends. I told her I loved her too and that her friendship meant more to me than I could say. She left. And then it was time to sit the fuck down with a glass of wine to watch a couple episodes of Buffy with Doc and Dr-Gf.

Next day was more unpacking, more arranging. More feeling like I’m not doing enough. I broke Dr-Gf’s nightstand. I am such a fuck up. Brilliant way to start off. Brilliant. Finally I broke down and poured me and Dr-Gf a glass of wine and we just stood around bullshitting in her room waiting for Doc to get back with the last load of stuff. 

Wine helped. I’m worried that it helps, but it is what it is. I’m stressed out and depressed beyond measure. I feel worthless and like a fuck up. I don’t know how the fuck this dynamic is going to work. Doc and Dr-Gf are so excited to live with me, but I can’t figure out for the life of me why. I’m quiet. I’m not always a riot of laughter and a bustling hostess. When I’m at home, it’s just, yanno, everyday stuff. I wake up early, I play with my cat, I go to work, go to the gym, come home, eat/shower, and seclude myself in my room. I feel like I need to be in constant entertainment mode right now. I feel like I have to still play the hostess and be this idea of who I think they perceive me to be.

I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be right now. How, I’m supposed to be right now.  

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Dear Diary,

::sigh:: I was doing so well. I've been very vigilant about my calorie intake, really being good with my food journal, getting some exceptional workouts in, and starting to see the progress I want to see.... and then yesterday happens. It always seems to happen this way too. As soon as I give myself a little credit for doing well, I fuck it up.

I was home by myself all night. Roommate has been gone almost constantly lately. It makes me really sad that she's only going to be living with me for a few more days and she's not here at all lately. So what do I do? Pour myself a couple drinks and load up on the cheese and crackers. It was all I had in the apartment and I ate way too much. I'm sure I went well over my calorie count and I feel like crap this morning. I look like crap too. I don't know if it's just my perception or what but I'm really furious at myself. I was doing so well. I was beginning to be happy with how I looked, and BAM, total fuck up. I'm such a screw up. I have to be extra careful today with my food and make sure to get as much out of my workout this evening as I can even though I'm beyond exhausted.

I had the weirdest dreams. I had been kidnapped by some hilljack group. I don't think they were quite human, but I don't think I was either. It was in a farm area off of a freeway and I was continually trying to escape and get another woman out of their as well (her resemblance to Amy Ackers was spot on). Weird weird weird.

I hate myself sometimes.

Loathe,
Haven. 

Nothing of note

Dear Diary,

My abs hurt. The trainer at my gym who teacher the 1/2 hour abs class is a sadistic little Natalie Portman look-a-like. I may be in love. Sorry Tech Boy.

Speaking of, he took me out to lunch today. I'm more self-conscious around him now. Maybe it's just how I'm feeling in general but I'm having a hard time looking at him. I'm extra body conscious right now. This heat isn't helping. I can't hide in winter clothes when it's 90 deg F out. ::sigh::

Driving into work this morning I was getting all teary eyed about Roommate. I sense a lot of crying coming up in the next week. I feel retarded. My brain was ruminating about her moving party too because Twiggy said she was going to be here. My mind is starting to race about the millions of ways that could go, the millions of things that might be said.

I'm trying to do everything all the time. Squeeze every last little bit of stuff in where I can and I just can't do it all AND do all the things I want to do. ::sigh:: It's great that everyone wants me to hang out. GF was even texting me last night wanting to take me out to dinner. I'm still not entirely sure she realizes I'm in a monogamous relationship. Roommate wants me to go out to dinner with her and a bunch of her friends after work tomorrow, but I want to go to the gym =/. Saturday morning I'm getting furniture with TechBoy then early dinner with Roommate and a beach BBQ with Tech Boy + the gym somewhere in there. Then Sunday... maybe I can breathe? Maybe?

Another gripe: why does everything have to always revolve around food and booze? Eating Disordered here! Hello. I want to be healthy and I want to take care of myself by not overeating, but everyone makes it so freaking difficult. If I don't eat, or worse, if people make stuff specifically for me because I'm vegetarian I feel obligated to eat it and then I have to pretend I'm happy about it and not freaking out about how much crap I'm putting into my body. This isn't fun for me.

Busy,
Haven 

Movin' Right Along

Dear Diary,

Roommate posted an event enlisting Moving Day help. It makes me so sad. Accepted right away and yet, tears. I had previously planned on doing a big cooking event with a bunch of other "friends", really mostly friendly acquaintances, a couple actual friends, a metric butt ton of strangers, and of course Friend and his wife. Roommate was invited but obviously, she'll be moving that day. I was torn at first. I LOVE to cook. What's more, I take a small pleasure in doing it better than Friend and a hell of a lot better than his wife. This event has a cooking competition aspect of it as well, and I won it last year. I'm supposed to come back as reigning champ and try to be the first to take it two years in a row.

But ya know what... why? Why should I spend a hundred/hundred-fifty bucks and hours cooking to impress a bunch of people that mean little, to less than nothing to me? Why should I put myself in a place that I know for a fact I'm not going to be comfortable in unless I'm extremely drunk and where I'm pretty sure (if the past is any predictor) that Club Boi is just going to try and worm his way into my skirt. Regardless of if Tech Boy is with me or not. Last year I brought Lady Friend with me and it didn't stop him.

So right now, I've decided to spend the day helping Roommate move. Maybe I'll still make the things I planned on making but for our little moving party instead.

Frankly, this is the more responsible decision anyways. Monroe is moving in the next day and I should really spend the day getting things ready for her and cleaning the apartment.

Grr, at the same time that little spiteful, vindictive inner bitch of mine wants to be there to make certain people uncomfortable. And show him just how much better my life is without him. I'm sure it sounds like I'm not over this whole thing yet. And to be quite honest, of course I still have some wounds regarding how he treated me. It's crazy how highly you can hold someone, how much you can believe in them, and then at the first, and literally only, presentation of struggle, the only time I stood up for how I should be treated, he completely cracked, turned his tail, and whimpered away unable to even discuss it. Oh yes, I'm still bitter. It's hard to care about someone SO MUCH (which yes, I realize this is in part a product of my own idealization, but it's also a result of his manipulation). But I also know that I am actually better off. I did make the right decision, and my life is actually better without him. And I don't need to prove that to him, or anyone else.

Roommate means so much more to me. I know we'll still see each other all the time, but it's important to me to spend the time with her.

Relieved,
Haven


Continued: Had a seriously solid workout today. I hate distorted mirrors. Some of them I look fine, others I look like a bloated circus clown. Awful things.

::sigh:: I'm not sure how to act with Roommate now. I want to spend a lot of time with her, but I feel like I'm imposing at the same time.

Tech Boy wants to do things Saturday night, but I really want to spend time with Roommate. I haven't seen enough of him lately though and I feel our connection slipping again. I just don't, give a shit about his friends. I have almost nothing in common with anyone he's friends with. They're nice enough, but I always feel like I'm putting on my Susie-Smiley face with the Bonus Extra-Normal features. It's so dull. I don't do "normal", whatever the fuck normal is. People like to say that "normal" doesn't exist. Yeah, yeah, everyone is different to a certain extent, but normal definitely does exist. When everything you do is status quo and nobody would bother to bat an eye at anything that happens in your life, you're normal. Everyone wants to be different, to be "special", well guess what, everyone isn't. We live in such a self-centered, watered down society where mediocrity is praised instead of encouraging innovation. Yes, normal exists. I'm surrounded by it. If you've never challenged a single belief, a single thing you were told? Normal. Average. Not my kind of people. 

Just another Tuesday with Packing

Dear Diary,

I’ve been sick for the past few days. I hate being sick. Yesterday I was beyond worthless. I came home early from work and took a 4 hour nap, then went to bed at my usual time and slept in 4 hours late. I'm an insomniac. I never sleep that much. Called off from work today too. At least today I brought work home. Actually did 4-5 hours of work I’ve needed to get done. Good for me.

Watching Roommate pack is so sad. 11 days until she’s gone. Yesterday I started to tell her how much I’d miss her and nearly started crying. I’m happy that Monroe will be my new roommie, but she won’t be Roommate. I’m afraid I’ll lose my connection to her. She’s been so good for me. So steady. Just her presence is calming. She’s my best friend, and it’s going to be different when I don’t see her every day. I know not all change is bad, but I can’t shake the small dread.

Monroe texted me today. She has her security. I was going to cover her until her current roommates found someone and could pay her back. I can afford it, but it’s definitely a relief that I won’t have to. I hadn’t told anyone. Monroe is a little pressed for cash too, so I offered to let her pay the same amount that she’s paying currently. It’ll only be an extra $100/month for me. It’s not a big deal at all. Evil-Ex took me for a whole lot more per month. I wasn’t expecting her to have her security for at least a month, so it’ll really make things easier on me. That’s good. She also asked about maybe getting a kitten for Doc. I was afraid of that. Our landlords won’t be happy about it. And frankly, my poor kitty has been terrorized by Roommates kitten for the past two years, I don’t want to make him have to go through all that all over again. When we signed our lease it was for only my cat. Roommate had to go to the landlords and ask permission for her cat and they weren’t thrilled. I told Monroe the landlords probably wouldn’t be happy about that first thing, and that we should really give my cat a chance to get used to her cat before anything else. She agreed. I feel guilty though. And at the same time, I just want to give my poor cat a break.

My concern for my cat is a little ridiculous. I know.

I'm happy Monroe will be moving in, but she can't replace Roommate and it's so hard to be happy because Monroe is really, really happy to be moving in with me, when I'm so sad that Roommate is leaving. I bought Roommate a going away present. Little organic stuffed cats; a tabby and a black cat. In real life my cat is the tabby and hers is the black one. I'm going to keep the little black cat doll and give her the tabby so we always have them both. Each other. Maybe it's silly but it's the only thing I could think to give her that would mean as much to us both. 

I'm going to try and put on a happy face for Monroe though. I'll pick up some sparkling wine to celebrate the Sunday she moves in. She needs a safe place to stay for a change. A place where she's wanted for who she is. We have so much in common concerning the sadder aspects of our lives. 

I’m sad. Change is necessary, often good, but it makes me sad.

You know what else makes me sad? Believing that people can just stop caring about you. Believing that all the love, time, and energy I’ve put into them, was all such a complete and utter waste. Every now and again I’m forced to be reminded of him. Social media is such a pain in the ass sometimes. Talk about first world problems. We have way too many people in common as friends. I know I should just block him, but I honestly hope his seeing things I post hurts him as much as it hurts me sometimes. I’m sure it doesn’t. He proved quite clearly that I was easy to let go of. I still hope it hurts though.

Too much. I give way, way too much to people sometimes. Inevitably it’s the wrong people. It’s the people I wish would be good for me, while ignoring all the facts that point to the contrary. I just want someone to prove me right for a change.

I suppose Roommate has though, and that is definitely something.

Things make me sad so easily.  I guess that’s my nature though. I always want people to mean what they say, but more often than not, people throw their words around frivolously. Small things, not even big things.

Tech Boy for the last two days has been saying he’d bring me soup b/c I’ve been so sick. And yet, nothing. Barely even a text saying he hopes I’m feeling better. Instead I bought myself sushi and have been eating popsicles all day. Popsicles are the only thing I really want when I’m sick anyways. Apparently I turn into a 4 year old when I’m sick.

I’m lonely. I pride myself on being so independent but every now and again is it so wrong to just want someone to take care of you for an hour or two?  I’m ashamed just thinking about it, but I’m lonely and I’m tired, and I wish someone would be there for me sometimes. Too much to ask I suppose. Too much.

Sad,

Haven

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Since Therapist decided to lengthen the time between sessions I think it’s important that I begin to keep a journal again. I haven’t had time for all the hand writing. I type so much faster. So this is where I’ll do it. Sometimes I’ll make no sense. Sometimes I’ll make too much. Sometimes my words will only be perceptions, wishes, whims, and fantasies. Sometimes what I write will be true, sometimes it won’t be. Who’s to say? All I can do is write what I think, what I say, what I go through, and what I know to be true for me. All the day to day mundane and minute to minute drollery. Sometimes my life is fascinating. Other times, not so much. For now…

Yours Always,

Haven