Break-ups, Clarity, and Friends with Benefits???

Drank an entire bottle of wine last night. Why is it that a glass of wine never feels like that much until you’re pretty much at the bottom of it? Seriously. I’m attached at the hip to liters of water all day which I guzzle without a thought. It’s so hard to not drink alcohol like water sometimes, which yes, I do realize is a problem.

Anyways. I needed to do something to prepare myself to talk to New Girl. Hence the wine. A little too much wine, but there you have it. After I told her I didn’t want to see her. She got weird. Then she begged to talk to me on the phone that night. To get closure and to understand why I seemed so into her before but now out of the blue, I’m not. So I did.

She was very, very confused. Baffled. By my seemingly everything is perfect and amazing dates with her, but now I’m not interested? What gives? Trust me I get it. I saw myself doing it, which is why I needed to stop it.

I tried in the kindest, most mindful way… considering my blood alcohol content… the explain to her that she’s a great person, but I don’t feel like I am myself around her. That’s it easy for me to get swept up in the moment, swept up what I can tell she needs, and it’s natural for me to want to give to people I like the things that I can tell will make them happy. Essentially I explained Mirroring. Unfortunately, in doing so, I’m giving them someone they want, but not necessarily who I am. Which is the problem. I catch myself saying, and agreeing with things, that I have no real agreement with, some things that are straight up counter what to I’m okay with.

She smokes cigarettes – I hate cigarettes

She smokes week – Weed makes me nauseous

She hijacks every conversation – It pisses me off in an OCD way when I can’t finish my thought process

She needs A LOT of attention – I have no inclination or desire to give that kind of attention. All the time. 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

I explained that emotionally she is very intense and she moves very quickly emotionally. In the moment I get swept up in it… but when I have a chance to step back it is incredibly overwhelming for me and I feel an intense amount of pressure that makes me very uncomfortable. And on and on. I’m sure I rambled. The whole time it was very important that I made her feel appreciated and still cared for, but that we just weren’t right for each other.

Anyways I think she finally got it.

In the mean time. Tech Boy texted me. I explained to him that I was having this conversation. So he knows about New Girl. I assumed he had seen other girls. No, he hadn’t. But he didn’t seem fazed by the fact that I had. I also managed to have the semi-awkward conversation of I’m not really sure what is going on between the two of us. I don’t know what he wants from me. I’m not really sure what I want from him. I do know that I like seeing him though. He seems to be on the same page. He feels the same way and it’s just great being with me. Which is pretty damn sweet. Considering I absolutely do not have the problem I had with New Girl, and I can just be my usual snarky self with him.

So I thought things were basically all squared away and good.

Today at lunch New Girl texted me. She totally flipped on me. Apparently she just wants to be friends with benefits now. No attachment, just two friends that have chemistry and sex each other up sometimes.  This from a girl that was planning our future and telling me how much she was into me, in way too much detail. Something’s not right here. And I feel like it’s a gateway to relationship town via the back alley behind the liquor store.

Arg. 

Endings and Middlings

I ended it with New Girl today. It was definitely for the best.

I haven’t thought of anything else for the last two days. How much I don’t want to hurt her, but how much this really isn’t working for me. All the things she’s been through and not wanting to make that worse, take those into consideration, but her stuff really doesn’t change the fact that I’m just not into this relationship.

I’ve been on edge with her since she blew up with me over not being able to take a train that wasn’t running out to see her. Even before then, all the need for nightly conversations on the phone (which is a huge point of anxiety for me), asking me about plans to move closer before she technically met me… I have never felt like I was being my real self when I’ve talked to her, or been with her. I always feel like I’m trying to be who she needs me to be.

Which is completely the opposite with Tech Boy who doesn’t need me to be anyone. He’s happy to just let me be me. Whoever that happens to be, without crowding me or climbing into my skin.

She had a rehab relapse after our first date. Was in the ER for detox. She’s been planning all these elaborate things, wanting to take me on vacation, all these things… and we’ve seen each other twice. It’s so suffocating.

And infuriating. She’s the worst listener ever. She’s definitely a touch A.D.D. Every time she asks me about something, before I can finish explaining or tell her my story, she cuts me of, steps on my words, takes over the story, and never lets me finish. I honesty can not recall a single conversation where I’ve been able to finish something I started out saying. Do you know how aggravating that is?

What’s even more aggravating is that in the moment, I feel the need to let her feel like it’s okay that she does all of these things. Even though it’s really not.

She feels this need to tell me she’s sooooo aggressive… except what she thinks is aggressive just comes off as supremely insecure.

She’s trying to fit an entire relationship, an entire life together into two dates… to force everything to happen RIGHT THE HELL NOW…

I’ve told her over and over again that I’m going to need my space, that I need to take things slow, that I don’t open up that quickly… and she repeats it to me like she’s listening, but then presses on with the next major life milestone that she wants to accomplish with me. She hears but doesn’t listen. At all. I can feel her heart swelling and breaking every time I don’t respond to her texts in exactly 0.2 seconds after she leaves me a message.

It’s SO MUCH PRESSURE! I just can’t. I can’t. I feel like the biggest asshole because it’s so bleeding obvious how into me she is, but we are on completely opposite emotional planes. And she has zero emotional stability. Which is something I absolutely need in my life. I’m still working on getting myself together and I need to make healthy choices when it comes to the people I let in.

If I let her in, I would be ignoring what I need to only give her what I’m sure she needs. I need someone that can at least meet me halfway .

And then there’s Tech Boy. While every time New Girl has texted me it’s created a terrific sense of annoyance in me. Chatting with him has been sweet and kind of makes me smile.

Unless I’m drinking though, I’m not quite able to relax or relate to him. I can’t be drunk for the rest of my life though, so I really need to figure out what he means to me sober.

We went out last Saturday. He wanted to take me to a new bar down the road from his new place. It sounded like it should be an awesome place… it turned out to be the biggest dud I’d seen in years. Awful bar, completely empty, no music, and a side door that let the inside remain freezing yet smokey all at one awful time. So we went to the next place down the road. Almost, but not quite, as bad. Super bright, with *the worst* amateur singing performer I’ve ever heard. Whoever told her this was a good idea, is not a friend. So we went to a place closer to me. Didn’t even sit down or get a drink. They wanted to charge a huge cover for some no name band that we didn’t want to hear. Went to an old standby after that. Paid the $5 cover only to find out the restaurant portion was closed and it was shoulder to shoulder packed and too loud to hear ourselves think. After being in there for approximately 15 seconds I became overwhelmingly claustrophobic.

I promptly returned to the bouncer and asked for our money back. 6 foot 5 inches of really not happy with me but unable to intimidate me in any way, he gave us our money back. We went across the street to another good bar, where we were finally able to get drinks AND a table with food service. I think I ended up having 4-5 drinks that night. Most of my last one got knocked all over my skirt by the clumsy fuck sitting next to us though. Fortunately it was white wine and I was wearing a black skirt. Drenched. Finally we went back to his place where I promptly snuggled up to him and fell asleep in his lap after getting out of my wine scented clothes.

We ended up having a really good  night throughout our comedy of bar errors.  I definitely needed a drink or two in me though before I felt it.

Yet, I see him at work, we text at night, and it’s nice.

Then again, he told me he wouldn’t be here this week and I got insta-pissed, what flashed through my brain was – Great so it’s just going to be this all over again. I’m just not going to text him anymore because this isn’t going anywhere. I didn’t say or express any of that to him. And of course we were chatting just fine by the next day.

I’m not sure if I need him to be there or if I’m grateful that he doesn’t need to be up my butt in light of how New Girl was.

I just want something reasonably in the middle! I realize I often have this all or nothing thinking, but can I get a little grey area here?

Ugh.

Love, maybe?

Dear Diary,

Well this was a weekend.

Friday night I was super self-conscious. Tech Boy wanted me to come over to hang out with him and his friends that were visiting from out of state. Pool party/BBQ style. Pool = Bathing suit = No, no I don’t think so.

I stayed in with Doc and Monroe. Monroe and I worked on a puzzle. I drank. Doc had sat down with me earlier in the day. He told me he really wanted to get out and start hanging out with me more, but he realized I was probably still kind of sad about xRoommate moving out. I almost cried trying to explain that I don’t want them to feel bad because I’m stoked to have them living with me now, but xRoommate is my closest friend and I’m worried about losing my connection to her. He totally understood. He’s so awesome.

Later that night xRoommate and her boyfriend came over to pick up the last of her stuff. They hung out, had a drink with us, we watched some T.V. it was super fun. Her boyfriend tried getting us to all go see Spiderman. I already turned down plans with Tech Boy. The very last thing I wanted to do was go out. Also I wanted to wake up early to go to the gym. It was a chill evening for the most part, but he was starting to stress me out a lot.

Saturday I woke up exhausted. I managed to get to the gym for my 2.5 hour workout but I felt like I was dragging ass the whole time. Tech Boy texted me to figure out plans for the evening. He rearranged his whole day so he could meet up with me that night at the bar with xRoommate and her boyfriend.

Came home. Nap. So exhausted. I woke up to a fresh baked cinnamon roll on my computer desk. Monroe baked when I was asleep. Ok. So I looked at this thing and thought, Shit, calories that I don’t want. I took a couple bites and wrapped the rest up. It was seriously delicious though.

I cleaned. I cleaned a lot. My brain feels better when I clean. I threw out a ton of stuff I was holding on to for no reason. As the evening went on I got more and more self-conscious. Felt more and more ugly. I talked to Monroe a lot about how I handle running into people I don’t want to deal with. She has a lot of social anxiety like I do. I really like her. She’s such a wonderful person.

I still feel so out of sorts though. I’m also worried about the landlords. They’re kind of nutjobs and stated explicitly that they don’t want 3 people living in the apartment, which is pretty much what we have going on right now. Monroe and I got all the lease stuff signed and taken care of so I felt a lot better after that. I’m super paranoid though.

For the first time, I’m seriously considering saving my money to buy my own house. I can have whoever I want over. No one can tell me who can come and go. How many people I can have over. Where to park. How to paint the walls. All mine to decide. I could really get behind that idea. I could save up for my own place, have friends rent with me, help me pay my mortgage. It would be easier to deal with if I had a partner though. Like maybe if Tech Boy and I are still together in a year, maybe he’d be interested. 

Maybe…

So it came time to go to the bar and meet up with everyone. Tech Boy cancelled at the very last second. I think he thought I was there by myself for a bit. One of his friends got a horrific migraine so they had to bail. I was really bummed out. Especially since he’d sent me a facebook invite earlier in the day to go on their annual trip to Canada. No thanks. I’ve taking a 10 hr drive the 10^th of August… another 8 hour drive back to NY on the 18^th, then the Canada trip is the 25^th. Also, it’s like hunting, fishing, boating, ick ick ick. Too much driving, and too much stuff I won’t participate in. So it’ll be another 3 weekends in a row I don’t get to see him at all.

So he wasn’t at the bar with me when that chochy meat head was hitting on me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I had fun anyways. I was less self-conscious since he wasn’t there. I got to dance and really feel the music. I’m strangely attracted to the lead singer. I’m not a groupie kind of girl. He has an amazing voice though and he seems like a fun guy on stage. xRoommate, her boyfriend, and I had a really great night. It’s so much fun hanging out with them.

Sunday. Tech Boy finally came over around 4p. I felt oddly distant from him. Maybe I was projecting. I was so self-conscious and my body image was so bad, I felt like he must hate how I look. We went to Dick’s to exchange my new running shoes. Then wasted some time at Best Buy where I made a bit of an impulse purchase by dropping close to $400 on a new LED TV. Monroe accidentally broke the wires on my living room TV. It wasn’t a big deal. That TV was a free acquisition from my first house in NY. The very first time Tech Boy came over to watch Star Wars he’s been trying to convince me to join the 21^st century and get rid of my old CRT.  So  I finally did. So much money to drop. I could have gotten something cheaper, but I guess, quality?  So much money. We went to dinner after and had a couple drinks. Then back to my house to set up the TV and break it in. We fell asleep on each other before Fellowship ended but it was super cute. He stayed over too.

I love sleeping with him. He wraps himself around me and it’s so warm and safe. I think this is the first time we’ve slept together in 9 months that we haven’t had sex. I feel almost guilty but he was more tired than I was so I guess he wasn’t bothered by it. I could curl up with him forever. He woke up early to take a shower, and then got back into bed to curl up with me a little while longer. Best feeling in the world.

He’s not really a public display of affection kind of guy. He’s taken to hugging me from behind and kissing the back of my neck when we’re out. I love it. It’s so sweet. I think I would do anything for him to do that. I love it. I think I might love him. It’s scary.

We’re so different, which makes my mind wonder if we’re right for each other. But he’s also so straight forward. He’s always been honest with me. I don’t always like what I hear sometimes, but I don’t doubt what he’s saying. He really is a good man. And he’s so sweet to me. I adore him. 

Mushy, 

Haven

Changing Plans

Dear Diary,

I’m so sad right now. I’ve started crying half a dozen times since I left work. Roommate moved out last weekend. I have to go back to see my home state next weekend. I might not get to see Tech Boy this weekend. As soon as he told me he had all these plans this weekend my heart started hurting. 3 weekends in a row without him? That sucks so much. It makes me want to run away and put an end to the whole thing.

I know, it’s retarded. But he’s having all his friends up and wanted me to go over to go swimming and and stuff? Swimming? With this body? Fuck no. So no seeing him tonight? Then he was going to take his boys out tomorrow? One of them being the guy that basically told me the only reason I got my engineering job was because I had breasts. Of course I was invited to that too, but why the fuck would I want to hang out with that asshat? No thanks. As soon as he told me that I just responded with , “ok.”  Trying not to make any fuss or anything. But I started crying to myself. This was all via text so he couldn’t see. I really want to spend Saturday with Roommate and her boyfriend b/c they invited me out and I don’t want to lose my connection to her. About two minutes later he texted me back with “don’t count me out, maybe I can rearrange the schedule.” 

Then he totally worked it all out, noticed that I was bothered by the potential of not seeing him, and stuff. I’m still unhappy and upset, but he’s kind of wonderful at the same time. It’s such a stupid little thing and I just, felt so upset like this would never work out because he can’t make time for me and doesn’t bother to check with me to see if we can make our plans match up, and I have all these thoughts about how it’s just never going to work if he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I feel like he’s not really here… but he realizes that I’m upset and works it out for me.

We curled up on his couch yesterday just watching a movie. I love being with him. He’s so warm and solid. I was ridiculously disappointed that he wanted to take a nap when he got home from his vacation because all I could think about was seeing him right after work, pushing him down on the couch and having sex with him. Which we totally did, but I had to wait, and I was sad that he didn’t want to see me right away since he hadn’t seen me in almost a week. I was so disappointed I considered not going over at all. Then as soon as I got there all I wanted was to rip his clothes off and make him, happy. I’m more interested in getting him off than I am in getting myself off. It makes me feel good.

I told him I liked him. He asked me if it was just because my Therapist liked him (she did say she liked him and I told him so). I thought that was funny. I tried explaining that I like my Therapist, but I don’t really go to her for advice so much as to hash out the shit in my mind. What she thinks, like anyone, is kind of irrelevant. I make my own opinions of people and things, it’s dealing with the shit in my head that I need her for. 

Anyways. We’ve had a couple of those, I’m not great with my emotions and my head and feelings are in different places so it’s hard and confusing for me conversations between yesterday and today. He said he noticed so he’s not totally in the dark at least. I just, feel bad. He seems so understanding. I’m just afraid he can’t really get it since he doesn’t seem to have this problem. At the same time I’m not sure if it matters if he can completely empathize as long as he accepts that it’s something I deal with and am working through and is okay that it’s something I have to work through.

Some days I feel so much better that I’m afraid I’m losing touch with who I was even as I try to be someone new. Other days the old feelings sneak up on me and blindside me and I’m so sad I hate that I’m affected so much.

He changed his plans and he’s coming out with us tomorrow so I can be with him and Roommate and maybe even my new roommates Doc and Monroe, but I’m still sad. It takes me a while to snap out of it. I’m just going to  have a drink or two while I wait. 

Sad,

Haven