Friday, July 6, 2012

Here today, Gone tomorrow

So this weekend was the big move. Everything just feels wrong right now. I don’t know how this is going to work but it bothers me.

Saturday morning I got up early to get my stress out at the gym, but my brain instantly started prioritizing my time: have to go to the bank, have to finish cupcakes (I made lemoncello cupcakes with lemon frosting and a lemon curd filling)… if I get to the gym by 7:30a I’ll only have 45 minutes if I want time to drive to the bank for rent $, then get back in time to fill/frost cupcakes, and get in the shower by 10… OR… and my brain just kept spinning so I decided to skip the gym and just get the important stuff out of the way.

I bought a little going away present for Roommate. I got us tiny organic fabric stuffed animal cats. One that looks like my cat, and one that looks like hers. I gave her the one that looks like my cat and I’m keeping the one that looks like hers so we’ll always have both kitties. I finally got myself to sit down and write her a letter to go with the present too. The first letter I cried all over and smeared the ink. New letter. Then  I spelled something wrong. New letter. Then I thought my handwriting looked ugly. New letter. I went through half a dozen re-writes of the letter before I was able to accept one. I just kept thinking that if it wasn’t written perfectly she’d think I didn’t really care or it would mean less.

Then they came back with the truck. Roommate hugs me and we both start to tear up. She said something like, “This should have been ugly. {It would have been easier}.” K and Twiggy showed up. Things went surprisingly well with them. They were pleasant and friendly. Not overly talkative (K never is), but Twiggy was downright nice to me. I’m very grateful for that. We worked together and, while it was a little awkward, and I fumbled over myself a few times, it wasn’t terrible, though I still carry a lot of guilt and regret in regards to them.

At one point during the morning I lost it. I was carrying boxes out and I just started crying. I had to go around the truck so no one would see me. Roommates boyfriend came out and saw me. He hugged me and assured me that this was in no way an end. I kept apologizing that I didn’t want anyone to see me crying. I didn’t want anyone to feel bad that I was sad and couldn’t keep it together. I didn’t want to be in anyone’s way while I’m all mopey. He assured me that I wasn’t in anyone’s way and he totally understood and that it would be okay. There were a lot of points in the day where I choked and had to stop the tears.

I just kept moving boxes. The busier I could keep my hands, the more I could distract my mind.  
We were moving boxes from 10a-4p non-stop.

Things got a little tense at the end when we were trying to discuss dropping off the truck. It was me, Roommate, Roommates boyfriend, K, Twiggy, and one other buddy doing this move. Roommate and her boyfriend drove in the U-Haul, I drove with our buddy, and K and Twiggy rode together. Roommate was going to buy us lunch and then we were going to clean. First, Roommate and her boyfriend needed to go return the truck. We needed someone to follow them to pick them up, and drive them back. Roommate’s boyfriend kept making suggestions that would end with me, K, and Twiggy hanging out alone together. There was just no way that was going to work. In the end they ended up leaving b/c they had work to do and the rest of us went to return the trunk and do dinner. I was kind of disappointed. I wish we could have figured it out in a way that we could have all spent more time together.

But then it was back to the apartment for some more small packing and a LOT of cleaning. By the time Doc and Dr-Gf got there I was lost in my own head. I was sitting on the couch, barely able to talk, staring off into space. I felt empty and hollow. Numb.

I just felt lost. My best friend is leaving and I don’t know what to do with myself. Finally it was time for her to go. Just us in the kitchen hugging each other as hard as we could. She told me she loved me and she was so glad we were friends. I told her I loved her too and that her friendship meant more to me than I could say. She left. And then it was time to sit the fuck down with a glass of wine to watch a couple episodes of Buffy with Doc and Dr-Gf.

Next day was more unpacking, more arranging. More feeling like I’m not doing enough. I broke Dr-Gf’s nightstand. I am such a fuck up. Brilliant way to start off. Brilliant. Finally I broke down and poured me and Dr-Gf a glass of wine and we just stood around bullshitting in her room waiting for Doc to get back with the last load of stuff. 

Wine helped. I’m worried that it helps, but it is what it is. I’m stressed out and depressed beyond measure. I feel worthless and like a fuck up. I don’t know how the fuck this dynamic is going to work. Doc and Dr-Gf are so excited to live with me, but I can’t figure out for the life of me why. I’m quiet. I’m not always a riot of laughter and a bustling hostess. When I’m at home, it’s just, yanno, everyday stuff. I wake up early, I play with my cat, I go to work, go to the gym, come home, eat/shower, and seclude myself in my room. I feel like I need to be in constant entertainment mode right now. I feel like I have to still play the hostess and be this idea of who I think they perceive me to be.

I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be right now. How, I’m supposed to be right now.  

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