Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Love, maybe?

Dear Diary,

Well this was a weekend.

Friday night I was super self-conscious. Tech Boy wanted me to come over to hang out with him and his friends that were visiting from out of state. Pool party/BBQ style. Pool = Bathing suit = No, no I don’t think so.

I stayed in with Doc and Monroe. Monroe and I worked on a puzzle. I drank. Doc had sat down with me earlier in the day. He told me he really wanted to get out and start hanging out with me more, but he realized I was probably still kind of sad about xRoommate moving out. I almost cried trying to explain that I don’t want them to feel bad because I’m stoked to have them living with me now, but xRoommate is my closest friend and I’m worried about losing my connection to her. He totally understood. He’s so awesome.

Later that night xRoommate and her boyfriend came over to pick up the last of her stuff. They hung out, had a drink with us, we watched some T.V. it was super fun. Her boyfriend tried getting us to all go see Spiderman. I already turned down plans with Tech Boy. The very last thing I wanted to do was go out. Also I wanted to wake up early to go to the gym. It was a chill evening for the most part, but he was starting to stress me out a lot.

Saturday I woke up exhausted. I managed to get to the gym for my 2.5 hour workout but I felt like I was dragging ass the whole time. Tech Boy texted me to figure out plans for the evening. He rearranged his whole day so he could meet up with me that night at the bar with xRoommate and her boyfriend.
Came home. Nap. So exhausted. I woke up to a fresh baked cinnamon roll on my computer desk. Monroe baked when I was asleep. Ok. So I looked at this thing and thought, Shit, calories that I don’t want. I took a couple bites and wrapped the rest up. It was seriously delicious though.

I cleaned. I cleaned a lot. My brain feels better when I clean. I threw out a ton of stuff I was holding on to for no reason. As the evening went on I got more and more self-conscious. Felt more and more ugly. I talked to Monroe a lot about how I handle running into people I don’t want to deal with. She has a lot of social anxiety like I do. I really like her. She’s such a wonderful person.

I still feel so out of sorts though. I’m also worried about the landlords. They’re kind of nutjobs and stated explicitly that they don’t want 3 people living in the apartment, which is pretty much what we have going on right now. Monroe and I got all the lease stuff signed and taken care of so I felt a lot better after that. I’m super paranoid though.

For the first time, I’m seriously considering saving my money to buy my own house. I can have whoever I want over. No one can tell me who can come and go. How many people I can have over. Where to park. How to paint the walls. All mine to decide. I could really get behind that idea. I could save up for my own place, have friends rent with me, help me pay my mortgage. It would be easier to deal with if I had a partner though. Like maybe if Tech Boy and I are still together in a year, maybe he’d be interested. 


So it came time to go to the bar and meet up with everyone. Tech Boy cancelled at the very last second. I think he thought I was there by myself for a bit. One of his friends got a horrific migraine so they had to bail. I was really bummed out. Especially since he’d sent me a facebook invite earlier in the day to go on their annual trip to Canada. No thanks. I’ve taking a 10 hr drive the 10th of August… another 8 hour drive back to NY on the 18th, then the Canada trip is the 25th. Also, it’s like hunting, fishing, boating, ick ick ick. Too much driving, and too much stuff I won’t participate in. So it’ll be another 3 weekends in a row I don’t get to see him at all.

So he wasn’t at the bar with me when that chochy meat head was hitting on me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I had fun anyways. I was less self-conscious since he wasn’t there. I got to dance and really feel the music. I’m strangely attracted to the lead singer. I’m not a groupie kind of girl. He has an amazing voice though and he seems like a fun guy on stage. xRoommate, her boyfriend, and I had a really great night. It’s so much fun hanging out with them.

Sunday. Tech Boy finally came over around 4p. I felt oddly distant from him. Maybe I was projecting. I was so self-conscious and my body image was so bad, I felt like he must hate how I look. We went to Dick’s to exchange my new running shoes. Then wasted some time at Best Buy where I made a bit of an impulse purchase by dropping close to $400 on a new LED TV. Monroe accidentally broke the wires on my living room TV. It wasn’t a big deal. That TV was a free acquisition from my first house in NY. The very first time Tech Boy came over to watch Star Wars he’s been trying to convince me to join the 21st century and get rid of my old CRT.  So  I finally did. So much money to drop. I could have gotten something cheaper, but I guess, quality?  So much money. We went to dinner after and had a couple drinks. Then back to my house to set up the TV and break it in. We fell asleep on each other before Fellowship ended but it was super cute. He stayed over too.

I love sleeping with him. He wraps himself around me and it’s so warm and safe. I think this is the first time we’ve slept together in 9 months that we haven’t had sex. I feel almost guilty but he was more tired than I was so I guess he wasn’t bothered by it. I could curl up with him forever. He woke up early to take a shower, and then got back into bed to curl up with me a little while longer. Best feeling in the world.
He’s not really a public display of affection kind of guy. He’s taken to hugging me from behind and kissing the back of my neck when we’re out. I love it. It’s so sweet. I think I would do anything for him to do that. I love it. I think I might love him. It’s scary.

We’re so different, which makes my mind wonder if we’re right for each other. But he’s also so straight forward. He’s always been honest with me. I don’t always like what I hear sometimes, but I don’t doubt what he’s saying. He really is a good man. And he’s so sweet to me. I adore him. 


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