Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Dear Diary,

::sigh:: I was doing so well. I've been very vigilant about my calorie intake, really being good with my food journal, getting some exceptional workouts in, and starting to see the progress I want to see.... and then yesterday happens. It always seems to happen this way too. As soon as I give myself a little credit for doing well, I fuck it up.

I was home by myself all night. Roommate has been gone almost constantly lately. It makes me really sad that she's only going to be living with me for a few more days and she's not here at all lately. So what do I do? Pour myself a couple drinks and load up on the cheese and crackers. It was all I had in the apartment and I ate way too much. I'm sure I went well over my calorie count and I feel like crap this morning. I look like crap too. I don't know if it's just my perception or what but I'm really furious at myself. I was doing so well. I was beginning to be happy with how I looked, and BAM, total fuck up. I'm such a screw up. I have to be extra careful today with my food and make sure to get as much out of my workout this evening as I can even though I'm beyond exhausted.

I had the weirdest dreams. I had been kidnapped by some hilljack group. I don't think they were quite human, but I don't think I was either. It was in a farm area off of a freeway and I was continually trying to escape and get another woman out of their as well (her resemblance to Amy Ackers was spot on). Weird weird weird.

I hate myself sometimes.


1 comment:

  1. Oh, yes, i think I understand you. My relationships with food are rather intense I would say.. And I know this awful feeling when you’ve struggled so hard for some time for being slim and healthy and suddenly lose your temper and break down all the rules which you followed so carefully.

    The only solution for this problem which I’ve found for myself is to stop self-reproach and stop thinking that “oh, this awful wave has covered me and I won’t manage to stop eating, I will eat and eat now and will never have a body I dream of”. Instead I think that “yes, today I’ve eaten way too much but I can allow it myself sometimes, that’s not a catastrophe because I do control myself and tomorrow I’ll return to my healthy food mode”. For me personally the point is always to believe that It’s me who defines what and how much eat. Only me and not that “awful wave” as a kind of emotional and nervous conditions which incite me to empty my fridge.