Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Just another Tuesday with Packing

Dear Diary,

I’ve been sick for the past few days. I hate being sick. Yesterday I was beyond worthless. I came home early from work and took a 4 hour nap, then went to bed at my usual time and slept in 4 hours late. I'm an insomniac. I never sleep that much. Called off from work today too. At least today I brought work home. Actually did 4-5 hours of work I’ve needed to get done. Good for me.

Watching Roommate pack is so sad. 11 days until she’s gone. Yesterday I started to tell her how much I’d miss her and nearly started crying. I’m happy that Monroe will be my new roommie, but she won’t be Roommate. I’m afraid I’ll lose my connection to her. She’s been so good for me. So steady. Just her presence is calming. She’s my best friend, and it’s going to be different when I don’t see her every day. I know not all change is bad, but I can’t shake the small dread.

Monroe texted me today. She has her security. I was going to cover her until her current roommates found someone and could pay her back. I can afford it, but it’s definitely a relief that I won’t have to. I hadn’t told anyone. Monroe is a little pressed for cash too, so I offered to let her pay the same amount that she’s paying currently. It’ll only be an extra $100/month for me. It’s not a big deal at all. Evil-Ex took me for a whole lot more per month. I wasn’t expecting her to have her security for at least a month, so it’ll really make things easier on me. That’s good. She also asked about maybe getting a kitten for Doc. I was afraid of that. Our landlords won’t be happy about it. And frankly, my poor kitty has been terrorized by Roommates kitten for the past two years, I don’t want to make him have to go through all that all over again. When we signed our lease it was for only my cat. Roommate had to go to the landlords and ask permission for her cat and they weren’t thrilled. I told Monroe the landlords probably wouldn’t be happy about that first thing, and that we should really give my cat a chance to get used to her cat before anything else. She agreed. I feel guilty though. And at the same time, I just want to give my poor cat a break.

My concern for my cat is a little ridiculous. I know.

I'm happy Monroe will be moving in, but she can't replace Roommate and it's so hard to be happy because Monroe is really, really happy to be moving in with me, when I'm so sad that Roommate is leaving. I bought Roommate a going away present. Little organic stuffed cats; a tabby and a black cat. In real life my cat is the tabby and hers is the black one. I'm going to keep the little black cat doll and give her the tabby so we always have them both. Each other. Maybe it's silly but it's the only thing I could think to give her that would mean as much to us both. 

I'm going to try and put on a happy face for Monroe though. I'll pick up some sparkling wine to celebrate the Sunday she moves in. She needs a safe place to stay for a change. A place where she's wanted for who she is. We have so much in common concerning the sadder aspects of our lives. 

I’m sad. Change is necessary, often good, but it makes me sad.

You know what else makes me sad? Believing that people can just stop caring about you. Believing that all the love, time, and energy I’ve put into them, was all such a complete and utter waste. Every now and again I’m forced to be reminded of him. Social media is such a pain in the ass sometimes. Talk about first world problems. We have way too many people in common as friends. I know I should just block him, but I honestly hope his seeing things I post hurts him as much as it hurts me sometimes. I’m sure it doesn’t. He proved quite clearly that I was easy to let go of. I still hope it hurts though.

Too much. I give way, way too much to people sometimes. Inevitably it’s the wrong people. It’s the people I wish would be good for me, while ignoring all the facts that point to the contrary. I just want someone to prove me right for a change.
I suppose Roommate has though, and that is definitely something.

Things make me sad so easily.  I guess that’s my nature though. I always want people to mean what they say, but more often than not, people throw their words around frivolously. Small things, not even big things.

Tech Boy for the last two days has been saying he’d bring me soup b/c I’ve been so sick. And yet, nothing. Barely even a text saying he hopes I’m feeling better. Instead I bought myself sushi and have been eating popsicles all day. Popsicles are the only thing I really want when I’m sick anyways. Apparently I turn into a 4 year old when I’m sick.

I’m lonely. I pride myself on being so independent but every now and again is it so wrong to just want someone to take care of you for an hour or two?  I’m ashamed just thinking about it, but I’m lonely and I’m tired, and I wish someone would be there for me sometimes. Too much to ask I suppose. Too much.


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