Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Movin' Right Along

Dear Diary,

Roommate posted an event enlisting Moving Day help. It makes me so sad. Accepted right away and yet, tears. I had previously planned on doing a big cooking event with a bunch of other "friends", really mostly friendly acquaintances, a couple actual friends, a metric butt ton of strangers, and of course Friend and his wife. Roommate was invited but obviously, she'll be moving that day. I was torn at first. I LOVE to cook. What's more, I take a small pleasure in doing it better than Friend and a hell of a lot better than his wife. This event has a cooking competition aspect of it as well, and I won it last year. I'm supposed to come back as reigning champ and try to be the first to take it two years in a row.

But ya know what... why? Why should I spend a hundred/hundred-fifty bucks and hours cooking to impress a bunch of people that mean little, to less than nothing to me? Why should I put myself in a place that I know for a fact I'm not going to be comfortable in unless I'm extremely drunk and where I'm pretty sure (if the past is any predictor) that Club Boi is just going to try and worm his way into my skirt. Regardless of if Tech Boy is with me or not. Last year I brought Lady Friend with me and it didn't stop him.

So right now, I've decided to spend the day helping Roommate move. Maybe I'll still make the things I planned on making but for our little moving party instead.

Frankly, this is the more responsible decision anyways. Monroe is moving in the next day and I should really spend the day getting things ready for her and cleaning the apartment.

Grr, at the same time that little spiteful, vindictive inner bitch of mine wants to be there to make certain people uncomfortable. And show him just how much better my life is without him. I'm sure it sounds like I'm not over this whole thing yet. And to be quite honest, of course I still have some wounds regarding how he treated me. It's crazy how highly you can hold someone, how much you can believe in them, and then at the first, and literally only, presentation of struggle, the only time I stood up for how I should be treated, he completely cracked, turned his tail, and whimpered away unable to even discuss it. Oh yes, I'm still bitter. It's hard to care about someone SO MUCH (which yes, I realize this is in part a product of my own idealization, but it's also a result of his manipulation). But I also know that I am actually better off. I did make the right decision, and my life is actually better without him. And I don't need to prove that to him, or anyone else.

Roommate means so much more to me. I know we'll still see each other all the time, but it's important to me to spend the time with her.


Continued: Had a seriously solid workout today. I hate distorted mirrors. Some of them I look fine, others I look like a bloated circus clown. Awful things.

::sigh:: I'm not sure how to act with Roommate now. I want to spend a lot of time with her, but I feel like I'm imposing at the same time.

Tech Boy wants to do things Saturday night, but I really want to spend time with Roommate. I haven't seen enough of him lately though and I feel our connection slipping again. I just don't, give a shit about his friends. I have almost nothing in common with anyone he's friends with. They're nice enough, but I always feel like I'm putting on my Susie-Smiley face with the Bonus Extra-Normal features. It's so dull. I don't do "normal", whatever the fuck normal is. People like to say that "normal" doesn't exist. Yeah, yeah, everyone is different to a certain extent, but normal definitely does exist. When everything you do is status quo and nobody would bother to bat an eye at anything that happens in your life, you're normal. Everyone wants to be different, to be "special", well guess what, everyone isn't. We live in such a self-centered, watered down society where mediocrity is praised instead of encouraging innovation. Yes, normal exists. I'm surrounded by it. If you've never challenged a single belief, a single thing you were told? Normal. Average. Not my kind of people. 

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